bell-ble study.

i bought a bell for my bike today-- i'm so excited.

a bike without a bell is like a car without a decent way to play your own music (you know who you are, jonathan dow)

but thats actually not what i wanted to write about.

i was a good girl and i went to worship generation tonite which is calvary's sunday night service.  i'm gonna try going to a bible study.

it started out super awkward as i sat there by myself waiting for the service to start.  i used to sit by myself at shoreline all the time and it never bothered me...but i was so paranoid tonite i started texting one of my friends just to do something with my hands.  5 text messages later the service finally started.

it got better as the night went on because a bunch of people got up and shared about their bible studies that they are starting.  thats always how it is: discomfort dissolved away by hearing peoples hearts and visions.  i realized a few years ago that i was more apt to like someone (as opposed to misjudging them) if i sat down and made eye contact and had a meaningful  conversation with them...funny how that is.

so tomorrow i will put my bell on my bike and on tuesday i will go to a bible study :)

a night in the life of chico, augmented by a thrift store blanket

my favorite part is this blanket.

there's a point at night, at probably 3 or 4 in the morning where the temperature here drops to something normal like 65 and for a few blissful hours i get to sleep with a blanket over me and not a sheet.  

sleeping with a sheet over you is a psychosomatic joke- like decaf coffee...merely there just because we know that people who sleep without blankets or coverings are...well,  homeless or dead.  like nebuchadnezzer sleeping in the open air because he went crazy.  

so to ward off the stigma i resort to the sheet.  

(i need all the help i can get sometimes to remind myself i'm not crazy...)

this blanket is my sole recompense for having to wake up at 3 or 4 every morning due to the fact that my useless sheet has become even more useless, except now rather than making me a few degrees too warm, it has taken to freezing me into groggy awareness (that it may be reunited with its fellow bedding implement, of course).

i could tell you a few other funny stories about this town...like how the safeway has a hand written sign posted that no dogs, cleats or barefeet are allowed in the store.  i mean, that pretty much sums up the town i think.

or how there is always this pervading sense that at some point in my walking to and from school and downtown that someone is going to end my life by crashing into me with a purple $500 beach cruiser bike.

or how i can simultaneously miss my home (not to mention sincere people and meaningful conversations) so much and yet possess such a peace here that i dont understand.

no one told me chico was 3 miles from the sun.

so it was 108 here yesterday...

i washed my clothes and hung them out to dry outside.  at night.  and i woke up and they were dried.  they dried during the night.  do you have any idea how gnarly that is?

just thought i'd let you know that in case you were tempted to complain about the weather wherever you are

i have decided to never disdain the cold again.  ever.

in fact, my daydreams these days place me somewhere on the same latitude as humboldt or england....preferably the latter.

when one steps into the sun here, it feels like he takes his mighty fist of fitful rays and just bashes at your face until you step into the shade where he cant see you

i peer around the corners suspiciously like a miscreant child avoiding the police

it gives new meaning to those verses that talk about how God shaded the children of israel in the desert with a cloud

can you hear the singing

i was watching a movie on my computer tonite and accidentally sent my cursor over to the far bottom left corner of the screen, which makes the widgets pop up. :)

no, widgets were not the inspiration for a dark comedy horror movie made the year i was born-

you're thinking of "gremlins"

(the car version of a gremlin is pictured at right)

or that perhaps a widgets is an insect or pest.

no, see those are weevils (also known as "snout beetles").  

if you dont know what a widget is, ask your neighbor.

suffice it to say that one of my widgets looks like a sticky note and i can type little reminders on it.

my widget says "the meek shall inherit the earth."

the meek are the ones you want to be in God's economy.

they are the ones the world often label as pathetic, because there is something not so self asserting about them.

they are the ones who see God as He is- strong.

strong on their behalf, to be more precise.

and tonite as you go to sleep, dear ones, i hope you can hear them...

because if they are to inherit the earth, there's nothing else to do but rest

you'll know them by how they sing in their sleep

chico: land of extremes

made it into chico today.

its about 8 million degrees here right now, at about 6 at night.

i pulled all the stuff out of the back of the truck, threw it in my room and took off for down town because i have decided to take up hunting:

A/C hunting.

i am in peets right now and its like 60 degrees, so go figure...i have a large scarf around my shoulders.

its so funny how peets always plays this stuffy music.  "its always tea time in peets," as my friend mo once said.

before i got to my house when i got into town though, i swung by the trader joe's here.  apparently they are hiring a sign artist which i used to do for the store in A.G. a few years ago.  last time i worked for traders i was making like 11 dollars an hour to sit and doodle all day.  the guy seemed really stoked knowing that i had already worked for traders and he gave me an application and told me to come back tomorrow.  it would be really crazy if i got this job...almost eerie...who gets a job at trader joes drawing signs for them the week they arrive in town...

ones drowning

in His good graces,

thats who. :)

back to basics

i totally have little drummer boy stuck in my head right now.

according to my itunes i have 1387 songs on my computer.

this translates to 3.8 days of music.

and the best thing my head could come up with is little drummer boy-

(the version with sleigh bells in it keeping time)

and i dont even own that song.

and i dont even know the words.

"listen to what i say...da da da da da...

ringing in the sky little lamb

listen to what i say...hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm

hmm."

new and tempramental painting

this is my newest wall mural-

its for a little boy named wyatt who's 7 years old and has bright red hair and lovely freckles.  he shares his room with his 5 year old brother jayden who is blond and smiles like a surfer already. their room is a tangle of cowboy boots and guns and birds nests they found in the yard and a fish tank full of crickets that they got from the same place.  

i sat on the couch for 20 minutes with wyatt discussing with him in very serious ardor what he wanted on his wall.  you cant pull a fast one on this little guy, let me tell you.  "a peregrine falcon chasing his prey" (which are pigeons, he informed...which is true.  i researched it...who says homeschool doesnt work).  those were his exact words.

so anyway, its not the best thing i've ever done and i confess a fair level of frustration with this picture, mainly because i dont paint falcons all the time and i desperately wanted to do a good job for wyatt...how do you produce art for a 7 year old?  you'll notice the tail feathers are pretty non-believable...ah, well.  the falcon itself is about 4...maybe a little more....feet high to give you an idea.  the room i painted it in is on the top floor of the house, which includes a lovely physics lesson with it: heat rises.  so basically this peregrine was born into an arid desert of hot tehachapi air and a frustrated painter who couldnt mix any colors on the wall because they would dry the SECOND they hit the wall.  

i did learn two cool things from this piece though.  

1) i need to START with prayer and surrender and not END with it out of desperation...will someone please tell me why i forget that all the goodness or ability i "have" is just Him and His grace?  

2) the way peregrine falcons catch their prey in mid air like they do is they soar up really high and then dive at close to 200 mph at their prey and snatch them.  the wee birds never know what hit 'em.  i think God is amazing.  a true artist, if i may make such an understatement.

in the rest of the room

the dining room of this house that i am staying at is literally a "dining room": an empty room, save for a table and chairs and some candlesticks.  it is about the size of a large bathroom and since there is no carpet in it, the acoustics in it are lovely.  

the thing about playing music in an echoey room is that it makes you sound good because you can hear so well, and thus helps you enjoy your music a little more- it completely fills the room because the sound bounces off every surface

i've been playing my guitar in there the last few nights, and tonite a wonderful thought filled my mind.

i imagined myself sitting in a room like that, except (forgive me for the cliche) it was in God's heart- and He could hear the music and the singing because it was the only thing there...table...chair...candlesticks maybe, and singing.  

i thought of that verse in revelation when He silenced heaven to listen

because that was the only thing He wanted in His heart

the only thing He HAD in His heart

He wanted the sound to meet every surface

and ring in His ears.

i think thats really how things are with Him.  i think when we get to heaven we will kick ourselves for not realizing just how empty, save for our voices,

that room really is.

we will kick ourselves for not singing louder

for not enjoying it

for not believing what He was listening to us say.

"if i was a meter maid" and "armenian cucumbers" in B flat

this picture is of an armenian cucumber i picked today.  the only problem with these things is how to fit them in the fridge

and here is i poem i wrote this morning after a conversation i had with my friend jen about meter maids (she knows a male meter maid...which makes me laugh out loud.)  in case you're wondering about the spare time i have on my hands, here's an idea of it (sheesh...)

if i was a meter maid

and too long in your spot you stayed

out would come my ticket pad

to help remind not to be bad

and as you came a screaming out

from the place you were about

i would smile a funny grin

and dance around your long-stayed sin

and wear a clown wig as my hair

and a red round nose, but not a pair

of huge red rubber clowning shoes

that would slow me down as i ran from you

and i would drive a little car

that i peddled near and far

with flashing lights and stripe-ed doors

to make me look of vast import

and maybe you would get to laughing

at my humorous attractings

and tire as you chased my car

and paid your ticket after all.

cowboy shirts and why the british are cool

i am in tehachapi housesitting and working on a small organic farm these days

(if you dont know where tehachapi is, ask your neighbor)

today i picked raspberries and orange cherry tomatoes for, like, 4 hours.  it was pretty amazing- especially because i was wearing a huge sun hat and a man's long sleeve cowboy shirt (tied at the waist all 80's) and there were bees and silence singing into my thoughts

i decided the taste of a sun warmed raspberry proves there is a God

(among other things)

anyway, i also worked for this farm at their farmers market booth.

next to us was this guy from england and his wife who make and sell goat cheese.  

imagine a little tent booth at farmers and space for one more booth beside it. 

all of a sudden a huge dodge truck starts to parallel park itself between the back of our booth and the back of the open space beside us.

the truck came an inch from our table

i squealed

and out of the truck a man got out

i congratulated him and he replied in his british accent

"its because of where i learned!"

in britain.  of course.  those people are magicians with cars and tight spaces.

thats why british people are cool

(among other things)

ps.  here is the website for the place i am working at: www.tangleweedfarm.com

psalm 84

i know why 84 was Your choice this morning

because you know i'm leaving

again

in two days.

because you need to remind me that a real pilgrimage

is not one my body feels

that things are a lot easier when the whole heart is set on them

and that you cant "GO"

with only half 

your heart

you cant.

and You, of all

would know.

the perfect breakfast:

2 oreos to dip in ones coffee

a bowl of plain old fashioned style oatmeal

strong coffee with milk

and reggae.

all before 9.

:)

LA LA LA LA...

well, my darlings,

i have found someone to rent my room with 2 days to spare :)

my jesus is so good to me....

seriously.

in other news, we have successfully moved all my stuff up to chico this past weekend.  it took two pickup trucks (plus the load i took up before for orientation) and 2 of my good friends who were determined to be my road buddies, and one sweet family who financed the entire thing by God's good grace...sheesh.  there's nothing any one can say at this point to convince me that God isnt in this thing.

we got lost in sacramento because they had a detour on the 5 that was LAME and it wasnt my fault (insert pouting lip here).

and when we pulled over at a gas station to ask directions, i threw a total conniption fit (or "hissy fit" as my southern relatives would say) because it was 90 degrees and we had been driving for 6 hours and i thought we'd never get back to the 5...that we would have to unload all my stuff and make a home on the sidewalk for me because we were never going to get there....

the best part is my friend mo laughed in my face.  

it takes a true friend to laugh in your face when you're in hysterics.  those are my favorite friends...the ones who dont take you as seriously as you take yourself.  

God totally does this for us too (just one more reason i adore Him).  not the laugh in your face part, but he sits there while we are all frantic and says, "now, when you can think straight enough to realize that what you are saying and feeling is absurd, i'll still be here and i wont listen to how you doubt me and accuse me and press your pride up against my glory...LA LA LA LA LA I CANT HEAR YOU!!  LA LA LA...."

"O...you're done then?  good.  i missed you.

now lets get back in the truck and i'll make just as if this never happened."

*sniff* 

yes Lord

i missed you too.

things we dont need anymore

love doesnt need a response, but is a response

a response that carries on anyway

for the other's sake

for its own sake

(dare i believe it?)

because it knows it cannot fail

because it knows it is the greatest thing

and love is what is left

when the child has put away its things

strength is vain.

so i'm dealing with trying to find someone to rent my room before i leave...so that means i need someone to start paying rent for me in 5 days.  which would be a miracle.

which is exactly why this verse, which i dont remember ever having noticed, hit me hard this morning

"no king is saved by the multitude of an army;

a mighty man is not delivered by great strength.

a horse is a vain hope for safety;

neither shall it deliver any by its great strength."   -Psalm 33. 16, 17

this verse presents a really wild thought: more "strength" or "ability" or the "if i can just get this or be more like this or i wish i was stronger in this way" mentality WONT help you.

it wont.

a mighty man is not delivered by great strength.

and anything you can add to that man like a horse, etc, will be of no use to him.

a couple verses down our salvation comes:

"...the eye of the Lord is on those who fear Him,

on those who hope in His mercy,

to deliver their soul from death...

our soul waits on the Lord

HE is our help and shield.

For our heart shall rejoice in Him,

because we have trusted in His holy name."

birthday

today, my dear friends, is  my birthday. :D

i'm not the type of person that wakes up happy and raring to go every morning, but for some reason i wake up on my birthdays feeling like a million bucks.

and i think all these years (24 of them...shhhh...dont tell anyone...) God has been trying to tell me something.

this morning i have no problem rolling my burdens from my back to His- no problem at all trusting that this day will be a good one- no problem at all feeling free

i just want to celebrate life and breath and being God's.  simple.

but that's the key word there- celebrate.  to SHOW enjoyment and cause others to feel the same enjoyment around you

and it hit me as i was walking to linneas just now that if his mercy's are new each morning and so are we as new creations...

then why cant i wake up more often content in His love and walking in His graces which are so near i can almost touch them, right this second.

our birthday is everyday to God, because He is making sure of it.  a day of birth: of newness.  innocence.  joy.  dependence on Him.  and us being stoked and at rest because of Him.

the cool part about a real birthday though, is that the people around you do funny things like buy your breakfast and call you just because....

its gonna be a good day :)

honey maid...what do maids have to do with crackers?

ok.

so i totally had graham crackers for dinner tonite.  the question is: cas, what is a hippy like you doing in possession of a box of trash-ball graham crackers.  white flour...."graham flour," whatever that is, is an abomination.

the answer?

to eat them for dinner, of course.  

i am working an overnite shift and the broccoli i brought from my garden to eat for dinner is so bug infested that no amount of water or cooking would make me able to eat it (long live organic gardening).

if you were me, you would be thankful for a trashy box of graham crackers too.

:)

why will the last be first?

i cant say i have an answer to this question, but i was laying in bed thinking about it...after desperately scrawling it out on the white board downstairs...after realizing how little i have kept that concept in mind lately.  

the concept, "what are you fighting for?  you've won.  in Him you have won.  you have nothing of your own to defend."

why will the last be first?

to prove His victory.

to prove in the greatest irony of all time that this war for existence is won by those who have nothing else to fight for.

to prove the meek right as they talk in their God given sleep...that one day they will inherit the earth

to prove that "in returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and confidence shall be your strength' -isaiah 30

it has to be like that.

the last MUST be first.

all the ones insisting they are first know it.  they know how shoddy their footing is.  

and we can see it in each others eyes

as He bends to wash our feet

our feet

hell and high water

i was thinking about my parents on my run the other day (i am training for a half marathon...eep)

both were runners before they met- perhaps the only thing they ever had in common

dad did cross country and mom did track.  i can still remember seeing my dad run on the beach when i was a kid...he kinda looked like an ostrich because of his long legs, but thats beside the point (its kinda funny though :)  

but their experiences were different as runners.  dad ran because he could.  because he was strong.  because it was one more way to repress stress and guilt...his favorite addictions.

but mum ran...i dont know why she ran.  i dont know because she said it hurt her.  there was smog in riverside even back then and she had asthma.  she would run five miles with her lungs burning the whole way and her body cramping, but she would do it anyway.

that crazy woman would run anyway.

and she carried on like that for years until kids and husband came.  and when they came, running took the form of responsibility and surviving.  i watched her survive the gnarliest things

and that crazy woman kept going anyway

not because of her strength but inspite of it  

it was that utter defiance that i was thinking of on my run

is it insanity or principle?

probably both

she probably never thought twice about it.  you run because you need to finish.  there is no other option.

i wish i had half the fight in me that she does

"for all they did cast in of their abundance, but she of her want did cast in all that she had, even all her living." mark 12:44

hannah said it for all of us in 1 sam 2:

"i smile at my enemies

because i rejoice in Your salvation."

california and monterey

do you ever wish

you could talk to the guy

in the volkswagon bus

behind you?