slapdash #6: velveteen

this is a quote from the short story "the velveteen rabbit:" that made me cry:




"Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that
happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just
to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.'

Does it hurt?' asked the Rabbit.

Sometimes,' said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. 'When you
are Real you don't mind being hurt.'

Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,' he asked, 'or bit by
bit?'

It doesn't happen all at once,' said the Skin Horse. 'You become. It
takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who
break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept.
Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved
off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very
shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real
you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."
— Margery Williams Bianco (The Velveteen Rabbit)

oui.

i'm so late at posting this, but as you can probably imagine there has been some busy-ness...

a little over a month ago a red haired boy (that i adore very much) knelt in the snow and asked me to marry him.  he was so nervous he grabbed the wrong hand for the ring.  he was so overcome he did not speak for a pause of tender weeping.  he was so clever that he had hidden the wooden ring box in an old tree trunk.  he made me laugh as he said, after we started shaking because of the cold and adrenaline, "maybe we should go in before we have to amputate."

he gave me these pictures a couple weeks ago-

this is ian making my ring in his dad's shop.  he said he picked the best ruby in his dad's case.  he read me a verse from proverbs 31 to go with it (holy crap what did i do to deserve such an amazing man.)

the finished ring.  based off art nouveau designs...only one of its kind.

i mean, what do you even say to this?

"come enjoy this lonely sky with me"

oui.

slapdash #5: enemies

if i dropped my bible on the ground and it opened up, it would probably land on psalm 27.  dried hydrangea flowers and some small yellow leaves line the spine where this psalm is.  it is a place i prefer to frequent.

there is a secret this psalm leans in to whisper every time i read it-

notice the theme-

"when the wicked came against me to eat up my flesh...they stumbled and fell..."

"though an army may encamp against me, my heart shall not fear; though war may rise against me, in this i will be cofident."

"for in the time of trouble He shall hide me in His pavilion..."

"and now my head shall be lifted up above my enemies all around me."

the secret is this: you can't live your life to AVOID enemies.  but you CAN live your life avoiding their tyranny (or rule- their power over you).

battles demand plans.  enemies demand answers.  the onlookers demand placating (these become more punishing than battles and enemies put together...what will my parents say...my friends...the people at work).  we must "plan," then, to let God take care of it.  not to work our escape by some contrived stratagem on our part, but to cast the lot of our survival with God.

this is an important distinction for me, because the human part of my mind assesses God's love for me based on my perceived opinion of how many struggles and enemies i have: the less struggle i encounter, the more favored i am by God.  but God proves His love for us by saving us from and through and despite the very things we count as our enemies.  they actually speak louder of the presence of His love than  lack of struggle would.

jesus said, before His journey to conquer the enemy that is our death, "in the world you SHALL have tribulation, but be of GOOD CHEER, I have OVERCOME the world."

enemies are there.  will always be there.  i need to not let them surprise me anymore, and rather surprise THEM in their war against me, that i have already resigned my fate to the strong fortress of His hand.  a life lived thus cannot be quenched or stopped- it's joy cannot be shamed.  it's battle already won and decided.

commune (the talking type)

this post is dedicated to stacy who, in her sweetness, reminded me this morning that she likes to share the journey

a couple years ago i wrote the word "Commune" (as in "to converse or talk together, usually with profound intensity/intimacy," not "a group of persons living and sharing together...") and drew a box around it.  i probably wrote it inspired by simplicity.  inspired by the realization that when it comes down to it, God just wants to be with us: God just wants US.  us with Him.  to commune.  all the other pulls and draws and victories and failures stop their mouths and the air gets a lot stiller-a lot more meaningful and palatable...it starts to smell like eden again.

and over my egg and spinach tacos with corn tortillas, new zealand grass fed cheese and ground flax working together to make a formidable lunch...while my mind was somewhere else being pulled and pulling, the word "Commune"...the first word i always forget...came up from behind and blew the stench from this stale room of tasks and stuff and paying rent and being way too busy.

because the Lord makes the air redolent with himself like a jasmine flower-

He must, because by definition, He is the most beautiful.  it cannot be hid: it must be recognized.

and i remembered, now that what i was breathing was replaced with real air, that nothing else matters except that: connecting with God.  Being with.  Being.  not doing.  not freaking out about doing or not doing.  not getting bitter at the less desirable.

just being simple about it.
keep your head, cas.
dont panic, whatever you do.

i must breathe fresh air to live.
i must breathe outside this stuffy room to be awake.
its true: life is not in tasks.
and just because they surround you does not mean you will be overcome.

king david knew it:
"though an army may encamp against me, my heart shall not fear; though war may rise against me, in this i will be confident."

"the secret of the Lord is with them that fear Him: He will show them his covenant."

i also learned from this picture that my Bible was printed in Belgium. :)  fun huh?

true story

we saw her before we even came in the door-

throwing her whole buxom body into each stroke against the inside windows of the pierside cafe.

"just sit anywhere that's clean," she said proudly as we came in the door.

"we have two drink specials this morning: margaritas and bloody marys."

pause

"we also have coffee."

slapdash #4: grace garland

i have noticed time dripping down my face recently, leaving little line trails by my eyes. it might be the weather drying my skin out or whatever, but i see a changing face.

i rather enjoy the changes. my plump adolescent face never proved the beauty it should have at 20 anyway. the skin clings to the bone a little more, more at home. bone, meet skin, skin bone: "how do you do?"

as far as i'm concerned, it feels good to grow into my face. the body hurries excitedly along, pushing borders, thirsting God, creasing skin. it is only the fool who thinks the best is behind and the purpose mute. it is only the fool who longs for immaturity and a baby fatted face because somehow innocence once rested there. the best innocence i have found is grasped for yet, and stands our victor's garland after all has ceased its thirsting.

the best innocence is a gift that no youth ever earned.

viva la.

this entire excerpt is from josh garrels' blog.

i am inspired:

"it's better to have a little and be content, than to have amassed stock piles of ill gotten gain, this is what wise king solomon once said. yes, we're the small ones, and we're moving somewhere beneath the worlds power and influence. relatively undetected. within random rooms and forgettable cities we work quietly, using what resources are within reason, pushing and exploring the parameters of our less than perfect instruments and surroundings...and thoughts. we're hoping to handcraft something, anything, that has integrity and purpose, even if its made from another mans trash. 'those who are full loath the taste of honey, but to the hungry even what is bitter tastes sweet.' we're living within a gridlocked structure, a system that is loathsome and full, that refuses to feed its inhabitants with anything of substance. and now, we little ones are hungry, and we're digging through the trash heaps and roaming the forgotten woods; searching, stalking, and slowly banding together to survive on the bitter roots and bread crusts we happen to find and share. we are joyful and content with what we've been given, as we sit around the fire sharing our stories, pictures, and songs that bare a reflection of the lives we've chosen to live. with love, and respect for one another we'll find the meaning and purpose embedded in life once again. for the answers the psycho-systematic spokesmen have sung to us have been as empty as our stomachs, and we're tired of chewing on that meatless bone. the devil cannot feed us true food because he is the little god of emptiness, the god of what is not. but there's manna from heaven, free and fulfilling, for all who have been led out of slavery."

slapdash #3:

Peter's first breath contains this to us:

"Peter, an apostle of Jesus Christ, to the pilgrims of the dispersion...[who are] elect according to the foreknowledge of God..."

the king james version uses the word "strangers" for pilgrims, which i find harsher and thus more appropriate. "elect" simply means "picked out, chosen."

to us, these ideas next to each other are risky and uncomfortable. "lets be honest," peter says, "you people have no home here. you feel the cold. you feel the distrust of the world. you feel an ache for the home you are told you have...

but do you know what?

you were picked out and this is part of it."

the world scorns you to your face. overwhelmed. scattered. questions. lusty for direction. when to make eye contact.

but this is all very intentional and calculated. you feel displaced because YOU ARE. and its no accident, so feel chosen because YOU ARE. you have to mix both, or despair will ensue. you have to mix both because God made it that way and fools are the only ones who think they know more than He would about the subject.

"the meek shall inherit the earth," the psalmist said. implied is the fact that it isnt theirs yet, and it wont be until it is given. they, these meek ones, live on hope and promises...dare i say faith?

we may be strangers, but our company is good

and our life more than food or cloth.

our eyes will adjust to the preoccupied distance they were meant to hold

like deep heaven.

slapdash #2

"But the end of all things is at hand; therefore be serious and watchful in your prayers. and above all things have fervent love for one another, for love will cover a multitude of sins. be hospitable to one another without grumbling." -1 peter 4:7-8

does the phrase "fervent love" smack any one else around but me?

the definition of fervent (greek): stretched out, intent, earnest, assiduous

the definition of fervent (english): having or showing great warmth or intensity of spirit, feeling, enthusiasm, etc.

-hot; burning; glowing.

what about the word "assiduous" up there-

english definition: constant, unremitting, working diligently at a task, persevering, industrious, attentive.

have i ever loved anything like that...other than myself?

these definitions kick my butt, though not on their own necessarily. i am shamed and challenged when these definitions are combined with thoughts of the people i know who love others FERVENTLY. these people that i think of may not even know how fervent their love is- but they are obsessed with it- intent on it- wondering always how the broken masses of flesh around them can be bettered- unburdened- cared for like gods.

when i was talking to ian about this, he brought up 2 peter 3:10, 12 where peter says that as the world ends, the very elements will "melt with a fervent heat." when i think of how busy the heat will be reducing all we know into ashes, i realize i have a long way to go if i want to love people like that- like jesus did.

fervent heat is what it will take to melt the world, both in its substance and its cold, awkward loneliness toward God. the earth will burn like the star it is- may our love do the same. may the space filled with struggle between each other as brothers and sisters, melt and recede until we forget the "multitude of sins" that we kept there.

slapdash #1

Apparently the tide came in like crazy yesterday.  I have to admit, I was a little depressed when I got out of my truck to survey my running terrain.  There were inlets and pools of water marooned on the mushy sand as far back as the dunes, which meant running on the beach was going to feel like running through a world made of porridge.  The tide had worked greedy fingers through every level part of the wide shore, leaving confused water trails very far from the wind blown, raging ocean with no promise of return.

There is a verse in Job 38 that I love in a very "tell me a story" way and I thought of it as I stared in disappointment at what was going to be a very rough workout.  In the verse, God is teaching Job about Himself by asking rhetorical questions about His greatness. He speaks of His control over the very borders of the ocean:

"Or who shut in the sea with doors...when I fixed My limit for it...and said, 'This far you may come, but no farther, and here your proud waves must stop.'"

It's as easy as attending a Sunday school class to discover God's history with the world and floods, and how He promised to never destroy it by deluge ever again.  He promises us He's got the ocean handled and we don't have to worry about it overflowing onto the whole oxygen breathing world's living space.   What once overtook, is now bound in and reigned by His decree and this fact is very comforting.  All of us who live here near the ocean are glad that it answers to His commands and that He is on our side... especially those who build houses next to the sea!  

But while I was doing my best to jog my way over a scarred and whimpering beach yesterday, I could feel the question of flood and boundary gnawing at my muscles.  No, the water will not go past His decree.  And for most of the year that decree is nicely placed in a predictable part of Morro strand with no sign of changing.  But when the water comes where we didn't expect it and wretchedly alters the path we're on, did it disobey or did He decree it?

Sometimes our nice, predictable, carefully coddled world feels more water and more wave than we prefer.  We hate it that we have to pick our way through a landscape made more difficult to traverse by what seems like a sudden mistake on the topography.  Why is this water here?  It's never been here except for today when I decided to drive a half hour to take a run on this beach!  Why is this struggle here?  I thought things would be one way and they are another.  

Let's simplify what goes on in our heads.  These surprising roadblocks that mush up our path force us into one of two modes of thinking: either God decreed this inconvenient and seemingly random change in the landscape, or the elements of the world are more powerful than Him and were able burst His established mode.

If the sea was able to break His bounds, then He really isn't in control and thus really isn't God like He says He is, and we might as well throw in the faith-towel now because He lied about the whole thing.

But if God did decree this temporary touch of water to land (I'm gonna go with this option), then the question becomes one of motive:  Is He is out to get us, or out to prove us.  Is He out to take us down or to strengthen our resolve.  Hopefully we know enough about God to trust despite circumstance that love love LOVE is His motive.  It is a fatherly, wise love that says, "I know you want an easier trail.  But here are some stronger legs you'll gain by a longer, sandier route."  And if we can get to the point where we believe that a harder life or path does not equal an unloved-by-God life or path, then we will have grown in our faith indeed.

I hope that you have tasted enough of God's character to know that If God is who He says He is, then as we show up to unexpected rough workouts and rough patches of life it is for us to choose to purely believe Him.  It is for us to choose to let go of our inner control-freak and tread joyfully, submissively and willingly over altered, difficult terrain.  This is possible only if we are absolutely convinced that this terrain is formed for us by a God who truly loves us.  It's simple and very radical, and in my opinion, just crazy enough to work.  

May the God who writes our days and forms out path freely change our reaction to change.

yarrow and note roper

my lovely roommate, mo, and her dad are geniuses with music and lovers of God. because of these simple facts, their worship song "You comfort me" has been selected for publication in Worship Leader Magazine and will come out on a cd called Song Discovery Vol. 81, which is pretty keen if you ask me. they share the cd with the likes of matt redman, evan wickham, etc.

mo and her dad (along with her sister and fellow artistic genius, colleen, who designed the cover for the ep) decided to use my yarrow painting as the main theme for the cover of the ep and the website, which is also pretty keen in my opinion :)

you can (and get ready here, because this is pretty schnazzy), not only go to mo and her dad's website and see the painting in action, but you can also buy the songs her and her dad wrote and recorded off itunes.

the website (because i'm not cool like robin and dont know how to imbed things slyly) is:

http://www.noteroper.com/

and on itunes type in "bare roots worship" and you'll find the ep they recorded in nashville.

i like the fact that God is so creative, that innocuous and random objects of life- a musical tone, a song, a yarrow painting- has the lofty hope of somehow spreading His love.

la valise turns one

this time last year i was living with 6 other females (if you think that sounds crazy, you're smarter than i was) in a non-insulated back room across the street from chico state university.

i was drawing naked people in a figure drawing class

and watching the chico trees themselves undress

reading les miserables and the chronicles of narnia

running everyday to keep my sanity

day dreaming about slo

ripping pages from a cheap bible to paste on the wall

trying to keep cool, then warm

trying to believe that life would not always be so gnarly.

and now, 13 months later,

i have an address in the town i love

only prayers to pay my bills

(i complain not, i assure you)

half the roomates

twice the recipes

the grapes of wrath

a summer spent with my jesus beneath a fig tree in my friend's backyard

a red hair boy who sat under that fig tree and wept

and the tree outside that was blighted by the heat, but decided not to give up and grew new leaves in october anyway.

an excerpt from my first post:

"i shall embrace my fate as a pilgrim, tethering myself loosely to this one stationary website...like a kite, i guess. tethers are great because they help you remember where you're from, and that the wind will not always carry on so forcefully...they are a hope that someday you will be reeled back in."

and in the meantime, i bake. today is irish soda bread made with white whole wheat flour, bob's 10-grain cereal and flaxseed...

you gotta love the irish for the crosses in their bread

i see you over my open book

i see you over my open book

folded in half

still in the chair

the floor a desk

each hand

playing each your toes

biting your thumb

over careful lines

and feet of space

which is rolled over itself again

until you find me out

i see you over blighted leaves

crowded with hope

glorious, prone,

fissuring laughter

surrendered pause

and will

for they are yours-

these rights to linger

trying not to be afraid

like you

for you

as you find me out

grace

tuesday, 

the sweet and commendable ian returned from his long voyage on the sea...  

bearing a grin on his face and a 25 lb bag of Bob's Red Mill whole wheat pastry flour on his broad shoulder.

Yesterday, 

by the end of a surprise visit from jinell, 8 or 10 grocery bags full of food presented themselves on my kitchen counter as an anonymous retaliation to my current financial strain.  someone bought me food out of the kindness of their heart and God's, and sent it with jinell as a phantom donor.  it was totally stuff i would eat too- healthy this, vegetable that, white whole wheat the other thing.  there were even a couple chocolate bars  (*drool****).

Yesterday, 

by the end of the day, i was called to schedule an interview for today for a job at the rocky mountain chocolate shop downtown.

Yesterday,

i learned of the salvation of a friend.  the tears of his surrender making the air redolent with the furious love of the crucified one. 

today, 

i am fueled by the stern and sagacious proverbs, who redden my face with conviction and send me seeking back to the arms of a God of grace.

pigeon post

i dont know what to say

so you send me postcards

and joke about homing pigeons

and how ginger is a fine spokesman, indeed.

see robin? i'm trying to be disciplined :D

here's a little 8x10er  i did today-

something about poppies...morning...i'm still thinking of a title.

the stems are phrases from an old book.

(detail)

update on the yarrow painting: 

sara said she had been coveting it for days, so i sold it to her!  

this painting i'll sell for 25 dollars (or trade for something cool) in case you're interested.

you're right, janelle...i should get some kind of etsy thing going...later maybe.

seeing yarrow

being jobless does funny things to you...

this time its a painting of the yarrow flower.  love love love yarrow.

i have a vision of doing a whole series on the yarrow flower, but my visions are usually based on the fictitious strength of the disciplined side of me.

it is the stuff of faery tales.

(yarrow detail)

there's nothing about this painting that's original, really, but i had a good time doing it.

aaaand....this is the mint i'm drying for tea on the clothes line in sara's backyard.

aaaaand...this is the biscotti i made this morning: 3 forms of ginger.  fresh, crystallized and powdered.

i have been reading matthew 6 lately.

over and over and over.

the fig tree in the backyard is fruited half-way, 

finding water somehow through her ancient root fingers.

and though i have carefully watched,

i have not seen the birds building storehouses yet

nor the garden tremble in toil

the why: an addition to my previous post

so the question is why.

why quit coffee?

i know coffee isnt good for you.  i've known this for a long time but in faithful adoration to my treasured brew have not been willing to face the facts.  love thinks no evil.

i was doing some yard work for a lady on wednesday, and on thursday my wrist hurt really bad...i thought i had really messed it up.  and i got to thinking about WHY a person my age would be experiencing a body that is MIA as far as holding itself together under only slightly more stressful activities than normal life.  

and then i thought back to my favorite morning love...and how it leaches calcium and other minerals out of one's bones...and how my dear old mom's gene contribution left me with a nice brittle frame for this body i'm in... a how i dont have any health insurance.

ya.

i just think it's time.

it doesnt mean i wont social drink the stuff.  i mean, seriously.  i have certain friends that will only be my friend if i drink coffee with them, which is fine by me to be sure.  i'm definitely not above that mindset.

but the whole acid headache addiction thing...tut tut.

i must live with open eyes, so that i CAN make it to the age of 87 (or sooner) where i WILL, at that point, do whatever i feel like which will include gallons of coffee.

so rest assured, loved ones.  it is a valiant battle.

lonesome coffee cup

i cant believe i'm saying this, but i'm going to try to quit coffee.

i know, i know.  you've already decided i cant do it.  well, you know what?

you might be right.

BUT

there's something to be said for giving such a sad state of caffeine-free humanity your best shot

(hee hee...shot...never mind.)

and i already have a headache from my half caff situation of this morning...

so you can officially feel welcome to pray for me.

:)

but i swear, if i make it to the age of 87, it'll be coffee breakfast lunch and dinner from there on out.

goodbye, my sweet, acidic, calcium robbing panacea...know that you are my favorite habit i've ever tried to quit...we shall meet again when my knees are in the Jordan and maybe i'll let you row me to other side.

Just Do Something

today i have a treat: my friend mo is a guest author on my blog.

she graduated with an english degree at cal poly, so be sure to judge her accordingly (just kidding mo :)

I want to buy a thousand copies, stand on the corner of Higuera and Garden, and kindly hand one to every single person aged 18 to 30 who passes by.  Of course, I might hand them to some people over the age of 30, especially if they happen to be male.  I am talking about a wonderful book that I read two days ago called "Just Do Something."  It is quite timely, especially the part that encourages guys to seek wisdom, get a job, and get married sooner rather than later.  A very necessary encouragement to those of us in the "tinkerer" generation who love Jesus and are trying to live our lives for Him and for each other, rather than ourselves.  So go by a copy for yourself and everyone you know who is sitting around trying to find God's perfect purpose for their life, paralyzed with indecision and fear that they will somehow make the wrong decision. It worked for me. Okay, so I'm still unemployed, but I have serious plans to move...hey, can you blame me? I'm a tinkerer and after all, I'm only 23.