USPS

have you ever noticed how the ladies who work at the post office are really into guessing what you might be sending, and they push and shake your poor unsuspecting parcel like a christmas present...

which would be cute, 

except its not addressed to them, 

and for a second you feel like they're that teacher in grade school that always wanted to catch you doing something wrong.  like sending a bomb or anthrax or a fire cracker in the mail.

and its even less cute while they're molesting your package that they peer at you through their caked on eyeliner and say "anything liquid, hazardous or fragile?"  

"well, if anything was fragile, your bony, probing, violating fingers would already have found me out by now," i want to say.

instead you play an old playground initiation game with them.  see who looks away first.

"its a painting," i say, as if its her business, with a little of that "what are you going to do about it" tone in my voice...but steady gaze.  you HAVE to keep a steady gaze or you lose.  you're instantly a terrorist or a miscreant or both.

and its all over when they put their little red stamp on it that probably says, "please bend and mutilate...i dont like the look of the one sending it...she's trouble."