October 15, 2008

the splice

on the way back up to chico from slo i realized something 

i was talking to jonathan dow, answering one of his typical english major questions thus named for their "how" and "why" nature (its ok if he asks those questions though, because jonathan dow is a good listener).

i was talking about art...

telling him how sometimes the desire to DO art pounces on me like a tiger and i feel compelled so much to "create," but often dont really know what to do with my impulse. 

jacob wrestling with the angel...asking for a blessing and not really knowing why...continuing to fight and not really knowing why.

 its funny to have the desire to create while having absolutely no idea how one should go about creating.  "not being inspired," is what artsy people say often...

i then said something about how art for me (for you, it could be anything, no?) is how i experience God sometimes.  through the whole process i feel him near in such a special way, that once i get done with a project or idea, i almost dont care about the finished product because the quality time was what i really needed/enjoyed/wanted in the first place

but as i talked it out (jonathan dow patiently being a good listener all the while), those two aforesaid thoughts spliced themselves together.

"maybe," i said, "those times when i just want to create but i dont know why or how...

maybe i'm just missing God."

and i think that's really what happens..."art" is my code word for "God, can we hang out."  i knew that about myself and God, but i hadnt put it together about those times when i sit there on my couch, mysteriously drawn to my pencils and drawing board across the room- staring at them like an imbecile while God has strung red christmas lights and orange construction detour signs pointing towards them...i sit there wondering what has come over me, while the Lord and my heart are trying to contact each other through the noise proof glass of my slow mind between them...

the times when i DONT act on that impulse are times when i dont think i have anything to give- no idea for a finished product...but thats not what its ever been about.

i realized i live my life under that fear.  what if i spend all this time on something and i dont like what i end up with?  

"it never mattered to you before," 
He would say, 
"not if it was right."


Janelle said...

That's it! That's what you were trying to tell me on Saturday night!

Jonathan Dow said...

I think it's cool how you take notes of our conversations... I'm glad you think I'm a good listener... in fact... I'm just good at being quiet, which in an academic setting, feigns listening.